The Time I Fell on a Family in Texas
How I accidentally assaulted a man, woman, and their two children
Before seeking treatment or guidance of any kind regarding my dependence on drugs and alcohol, I moved around a lot and experienced many things. Some were really good, some were really bad, and some, well, some were just things that could have happened to anyone I suppose.
This is one of those things.
Fleeing KC — Finding Austin, TX
I had just lost another good job in Kansas City. So, I did what any rational alcoholic trying to find his/her bottom would do. I packed up all my material possessions into a pickup truck and drove to Texas.
I still had a slew of bridges yet burned across the US and one bridge in particular had been telling me to come to Austin. It happened fast. I called my friend, packed my ford ranger, and abandoned my apartment.
I’ve never had a problem finding work. Austin, TX was no different. Other than working with computers, my favorite job has always been waiting tables. I’m really good with customers. I can multi-task really well. And I don’t get flustered when a restaurant gets crazy busy. I become calmer and more focused. I’ve always made good money as a server, and I love having cash every day from tips.
Dinner and a Movie Middleman
I interview for a server position at a movie theater that serves food to its guests during movies. I thought this would be great. I love movies. I love food. I love people. I love serving. I would probably love serving food to people watching movies.
I land the job no problem. The guy that interviews me really likes me. He tells me I’d make a really great server, but everyone who gets hired on has to start as a runner. Usually new applicants are runners for 3–4 months before being considered for the server position, but he tells me he’ll be able to fast-track my progress and I can expect to be offered a server position within 2–3 weeks. So, I’m like, bet, and I take the job.
Moviehouse Basics
A runner, wait for it, runs food. As shocking as that may seem, it’s true. The servers take orders, run drinks, answer questions, suggest deserts. They never touch the plates of food that is actually served to the guests.
Each theater has a prep room where the runners bring in large amounts of snacks, popcorn, appetizers, entrees, etc. on a very large tray. The runners carry these trays using their left hand and shoulder to support the weight and their right hand to hold the side for balance.
If a lot of food is going to one area these trays are carried out into the theater and set down on a stand where each item can then be served.
The orders are usually taken before the credits. The food is usually ready to be served a few minutes into the movie. Guests can also hit a call button, similar to what you’d find on an airplane, anytime during the movie to order more stuff.
You get it right? You’ve been to a movie theater and you’ve been served food. You’ve probably been to this fucking movie theater that serves this fucking food. So I’m going to stop with the lay of the land bullshit and get into my very first day as a runner.
Run, Evan, Run
It’s opening weekend for The Winter Soldier which, like all MCU movies, sold out like Celine Deon in Montreal. So every theater in the place is full. My trainer, Austin, is a 17 year old high school student whose parents named him after the city he lives in for some reason, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is, Austin is preparing me to take out my very first run to a family of 4 sitting on the front row.
Now, I mentioned that I’ve always loved serving. I said that because I had been a server before. I carried these large trays of food before. Even larger when I worked in banquets. So, I was already one up on most new runners who, with good reason, are nervous about carrying such a large amount of food precariously perched on ones shoulder.
Austin asks me if I need help and I say I don’t then I bend and lift with my knees while my left hand is under the trey, my shoulder is supporting the weight and my right hand is holding the side. I do it so well that Austin tells me I look like a pro. Damn right I look like a pro. I’ve got experience!
I walk out of the prep area and into the theater. Steve Rogers is lapping Sam Wilson on the big screen and the audience chuckles a bit. I remember thinking how cool it was to work in a theater. Then I take my eyes off the big screen and onto the crowd of guests. I really can’t say why I didn’t realize it would be dark in a movie theater.
It wasn’t just dark though. I couldn’t see shit. I’m like “Austin, I can’t see shit.” He laughs a little then realizes I’m not joking and says “Oh, right. Use the runway lights.” I look at the floor and see these dim lights running along the floor everywhere. I don’t want to look like a total noob in front of Austin, so I’m like “Oh!! Yea I see them. OK, I’m good.”
So off I go into the void. I know the general direction to where I’m going. This theater has two rows at the very front, then the third row is twice as big so runners can get to one end of the theater and back. What I have to do, is cross this third row isle, then turn and go down some steps to where the family is sitting.
Failing While Falling
I get across the isle and turn. I pay real close attention to the runway lights on the steps going down until the last two steps when I look up to see where the family is. I think I’m about to step off the last step and onto the bottom isle. But I misjudge where the last step is. I’m not at the bottom yet, so I take a hard confident step into the space in front of the next step, and I start falling.
Now, I say that I “start falling” instead of “I fell” because this was a series of events where I literally fall onto an entire family.
As soon as I realize that I’m going to fall, my attention is on the food. Maybe, just maybe, I can fall without dropping food everywhere. So instead of trying to brace myself, I clinch the trey as hard as I can. I fall onto Dad first and it’s such a direct hit and he makes such a weird sound that I twist my entire body to try and get off him but this just makes me lose control of the food which starts flying off the tray.
I didn’t even know what I was carrying until it was all over me and the children. I didn’t actually land on any of the kids, but by trying so desperately not to land on their two kids, I instead dump nearly all the food on them. And this was not just popcorn and candy. There was like three fucking orders of spaghetti, chicken Alfredo, all their drinks which were all sodas. All over the kids. All over me.
But my suffering doesn’t stop. I actually remember having the thought that “Holy shit, this is still happening. Why won’t this stop happening!” because as the kids are scooping pasta off their faces, I’m landing square onto Moms lap. I twist my entire body the exact same way as when I landed on Dad but instead of popping right off, Mom and I just get tangled up together because she apparently had a body twisting reaction as well when a grown man unexpectedly landed in her lap. I push against her and land really hard in the floor holding the oversized tray in a death grip in front of me like I’m shielding off predators.
Austin’s Aftermath
Every single family member got food on them with the kids looking the worst, save for myself of course who somehow managed to get every single food item plastered onto every corner of myself. From my hair, which was very long at the time, to my socks. Yes, my socks were covered in some sort of food.
I look at Mom and say “Oh my God, are you OK?” and she was gracious and kind enough to say “Yes, are YOU OK?” to which, after several awkward seconds of silence, I said, nothing.
After I said absolutely not another word to the family I had just fell on, I got up, brushed off some pasta, picked up my trey and sort of hurry walked back over to Austin. I wish I could say that I said something really slick like “How’d I do, boss?” or “Nailed it!” But I continued to say absolutely not another fucking word. Austin decided to do the same thing. We both just kind of looked at each other. Austins eyes were really wide open. He looked like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to laugh or become very concerned.
Some other runners were already assisting the family in cleaning up and offering them free shit for life. Finally, I said to Austin, “That wasn’t near as bad as I think it was, right?” and without missing a beat, this 17 year old kid said “That was the worst fucking thing I’ve ever seen happen.” And because he didn’t laugh after saying it, I thought there might actually be some truth to that.
Assessing the Situation
I didn’t know what to do at this point. This was day one for me. I was new at everything and on my first attempt to do anything I had done something that was the worst fucking thing Austin had ever seen.
So I turned without saying a word and started walking towards the bathroom to take in a full damage report. As soon as I walked out of the dark theater and into the back hallways, I realized I was shaking. I don’t think I was crying but I had tears in my eyes if that makes any sense. I couldn’t stop shaking though. I remember that vividly because you always hear about this when people talk about traumatic experiences and I always thought it was strange and couldn’t understand what that would be like, and here I was, fucking shaking. I didn’t know if it qualified as a traumatic event but something about it had me pretty rattled. Probably something Austin had said.
I go inside the restroom and look into the mirror. I look like I was in a fictitious food fight. One of those scenes in a movie where a kid yells “Food fight!” and then an impossible amount of food comes out of nowhere and is flung back and forth. Then there’s some dumb-ass kid stuck in the middle, taking on the full force of the food fight from both sides. Then that dumb-ass kid has to walk home by himself in the rain all muddy with some stupid ass dog or something still covered in a bunch of food and he goes up to his house and the door opens with his parents standing inside and they just have this look of disgust that, well, it just tears away at the kids soul. Because it’s not that they were angry; the kid could handle that. God knows the kid has handled plenty of his old man’s anger. No, it wasn’t that they were angry, its that they were disappointed. That is exactly what I looked like. All of that.
I still didn’t know what the fuck to do. Should I go back in there and offer to help? Should I go home and change? Possibly shower? Did I punch those kid’s Mom? Then the bathroom door opens, and the guy that hired me walks in. He has this very serious look on his face which makes me realize something. Oh right. They’re probably going to fire me. This had not even crossed my mind. I was just trying to cling to protocol. Trying to conjure up precedence that I might cite. It never occurred to me that Austin had been right. That this truly was the worst fucking thing to ever happen here which, obviously, should be met with harsh consequences.
Don’t Quit
My boss walks right up to me, looks me straight in the eye and says “Don’t quit.” I glance away from him and try to understand what he’s saying but it doesn’t register. None of this registers. I say “What?” He repeats himself “Don’t quit. I know this is really bad. I’m not gonna lie to you. Just don’t quit because of it.”
It had also never occurred to me that everyone was assuming I was too embarrassed to keep working at the theater. Whatever I was, it wasn’t embarrassed. Not one bit. Confused, shocked, concerned about the family I had accidentally assaulted, sure, but I was not embarrassed at all. My co-workers didn’t know about my past though. Neither did my boss. They didn’t really know me at all. I guess this sort of thing is something people get embarrassed over, but I was already to the point where I sort of thought it was funny. I just didn’t know what to do with myself and then Austin didn’t help at all. But now that I knew our biggest roadblock regarding this incident was whether or not I would quit, I immediately started leveling out and thinking more clearly.
I regained my composure and even stopped shaking as much. I said “I’m not going to quit. This sort of thing really doesn’t bother me, and I really do want to work here. . . Is that family OK?” I really was worried about that family. My boss assured me they were fine. The theater had comped their meals and given them some free movie passes.
Legendary
I went home, took a shower, and changed my clothes. I came back to work and met up with Austin and a few other co-workers. They were all talking about what happened with awe and excitement. My horrible event would be remembered for many years.
When I came home that night, my roommates asked me what I did at work. I smiled and told them “I became a legend.” They asked me if I’d been drinking and I told them I had, but I wasn’t embarrassed at all. Not one bit. They told me I should be and reminded me that I wasn’t supposed to be drinking anymore. Not one bit, I assured them.
